The 4 Ears Model
How do you react when you hear:
„You look at your phone all the time!“?
Do you counter? Do you think you’ve done something wrong? Or do you wonder what’s behind it? In the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) there is the so-called 4-ear model, which shows two more in addition to the first two reaction possibilities you probably know.
The thoughts that arise in us when we react to such a sentence are not always heard loudly. Nevertheless, these thoughts have an impact on how they interact with each other. We would like to explain the reaction possibilities with the example above:
(a). to be to blame
1.)Debt ears outside
Perhaps the most common way to react is to find the other person’s guilt:
„You’re hanging out with it all the time!“ We recognize the outward-looking guilt ears by the fact that we are convinced that the other has done something wrong, and that we ourselves are right. These ears often provoke anger and accusations of guilt.
2.)Debt ears inside
The reaction is also very well known with an admission of guilt:
„Yes, you’re right, sorry.“
The guilt ears inwards include every gradation, from a small apology to big self-reproaches („Now I’ve done something wrong again. I’m not for use!“). These ears can lead to shame and depressive thoughts.
The guilt ears lead to a distance between us and our counterpart.
B. Understanding
3.)Understanding ears inside
The CSF shows us to react without accusations of guilt to ourselves or others. The first possibility is to see how we are doing in such a situation: What triggers the sentence that has been heard in me, what feeling does it feel with me? What is the need behind this?
„I’m annoyed. I want to have my peace and decide for myself how much I look at my phone. Maybe I’m concerned with relaxation and autonomy?“
We can verbalize this as a sincere self-expression for our counterpart or simply keep it for ourselves – depending on what seems appropriate to us.
4.)Understanding ears outside
The outward-looking understanding – ears is about understanding what lies behind the words of our counterpart, i.e. perceiving feelings and needs:
„Are you frustrated because it’s important to you that I listen attentively? Are you concerned with respect and to be seen?“
The ears of understanding tend to lead to connection and mutual understanding.
Here you can find the text as an audio file, spoken by Johanna Nimrich
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Diane Lüning
Orga + Design
Torsten Hardieß
Organization
Johanna Nimrich
Spokeswoman
(Photo: Natalia Ignatovich)
Karen Nimrich
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