Many people want to improve their communication skills in order to be better able to cope in many situations. However, there are pitfalls to consider. Books, courses or seminars that train communication skills often only refer to training a different behavior, to be a quicker, to counter better, etc. and for many people, this path does not go far.
What is good communication all about? Just to assert your own interests with good rhetoric, good exchange of blows? Especially in close relationships, we do not want to „run over“ the other, but we want him to be well. And have effective communication that involves both. This blog article sheds light on how this can be done:
Conflict talks and flamboyance
A contribution by Andrea Kind
Ten years ago, I was still very uneasy about conflict talks with employees. How should I react if my counterpart provoked, walled or began to discuss endlessly in conversation? In such disputes, I often shaved the language and I could only laboriously suppress my subliminal anger. But I didn’t know how to convey my emotions appropriately. Many great arguments came to mind only after the dispute.
To get me out of this dilemma, read books that promised me more punchinence in every situation. However, I should have used countless appropriate phrases on the respective situation or countered provocations with counter-provocations – and of course I should have stayed completely relaxed in order to be able to resort spontaneously to what i had learned. A dead end.
„It’s simple, but not easy“
I don’t remember today, like I’m on Marshall B. Rosenberg and his non-violent communication. In any case, I was immediately thrilled. From Marshal’s deep humanity. Of his values. From his simple system, in which even my suppressed emotions should be expressed. Just four simple steps that were used in each conversation:
- What exactly happened (pure observation)
- How do I feel about that?
- Expressing my need in relation to feeling
- What request do I have as a result of this to my counterpart?
The hardest part of the job
Marshall Rosenberg is said to have said: „It’s simple, but not easy“. It was the same. I will never forget my first „violent“ conflict talk. I felt pretty stupid because I knew that everything i wanted to say to the employee had to sound quite oblique. But I had already bitten my teeth at him in two previous conversations. He had bricked and rebuffed. So, because I was unsure, I adhered carefully to the „procedures“ and the choice of words that I had read in the books of non-violent communication. So while I was going to speak, I still thought, „He’s going to think you’re crazy.“
I started: „Mr. XXX, we had agreed on our last conversation that you… You have not complied with that. That annoys me because respect is important to me. Please tell me how you are doing when I say this now.“
The employee stared at me in horror. I shot through my head: „He’s laughing.“ An awkward pause arose. Then the employee replied, „For God’s sake, I never wanted to be resprectless.“ This led to a very open, constructive conversation.
Exchange instead of indictment
I am happy to have discovered non-violent communication as a method applicable to me in any situation. I can’t remember a single conversation in which it wouldn’t have led to an exchange, even though I sounded very stilted at first or even forgot individual steps. Finally, I was able to articulate my emotions openly. And it made me think about the need that was important to me in that case. It is constructive and liberating for me to make a request to the addressee. Be it in the first step the request for feedback, how the person is doing with what has been said.
Yes, there is often a small pause after I have made the request. The interlocutors are torn out of their usual spiral of thinking of „defense“ and have to think first. And when I talk about my emotions and needs, they also have the courage to talk about their emotions and needs. Both sides feel that they are being heard, even if a solution may not be immediately worked out.
Non-violent communication offers many more great opportunities for use in the job: thanking and showing appreciation, expressing empathy for myself and others.
Now it just has to work with the husband
I have been practicing the method for almost ten years now and am still very enthusiastic about it. My husband just tells me, „In conversations at home with me, you almost get the non-violent communication.“ Well, I will work on this for the next ten years 🙂
What do you think about good communication skills now? Are your own needs and those of the other important to you? We appreciate your opinion!