Question from the audience to Marshall Rosenberg: How do you do that to give yourself self-empathy? A smile from Marshall Rosenberg is the first reaction and suggests that in some places this is simply said to be done.
Marshall Rosenberg then reports on a seminar and a very memorable experience:
In the audience was a participant who wanted to communicate. The lady was very upset and communicated accordingly. Loud – like a wolf. Marshall reacts differently than expected. Marshall carefully asked what he perceives and sees in her. With his words, he was able to verbalize empathy noticeably. In this way of coexistence, the lady reacted with open and honest answers.
What does Marshall Rosenberg see and, above all, how does he manage to throttle the lady in her excitement? He sees the unsatisfactory need from which she reacts – how she reacts. The need, which is just noticeably unsatisfied. With his listening and answers, Marshall Rosenberg creates a connection with the participant. This is what non-violent communication is all about – about connecting with each other.
Another lady gets up and says she couldn't have reacted so sensitively. She says she would find it hard and wants to know where Marshall takes all this empathy for his counterpart – which is very upset.
Rosenberg's answer: Take time – before you regi. That is so important. Do not immediately take the first step in communication – but consciously withdraw within himself and perceive what is going on in you. Take your time! Feel into you. Perceive your feelings. Feel in your wolf show – with all its ratings, teachings and devaluations. And then give yourself self-empathy. Accept what is. As it is. The wolf show belongs to us as well as the giraffe show. Before we can listen sensitively and put our feelings behind us – it is helpful to feel them beforehand.